Evening on that full moon day, walking besides the office garden, she said, ‘I do not plan life, and prefer to flow with the spontaneity of it’. I noted, it’s an early twenty response.
By now I have started believing in designing the life by choice,
‘Do your best, be prepared for the worst, accept what comes’.
Still I held for a second, is her approach relying on the nature’s plan, or laziness or even superior to life by design, I am was soon to get that answer. Ishu continued, ‘I often says to boys not to waste time with me’ and avoided looking into my eyes. I was ready to the face the world for her, and not bothered about her others.
Moon was rising at the back of us. As we walk, our shadows were overlapping making it one at times, silver oaks reflecting the moon light falling on its sharp leaves, a nicer melody started in mind. I was in dilemma to put arm around her shoulder. She was talking more about the past than enjoying the present. Certainly not my type. I reserved my feelings.
I felt like pick up a dew filled red rose from the garden, kneel down dramatically in front of her. That thought itself energized me. In past i had given, white, yellow and green roses to her without kneeling.
Each time she has said, ‘you are wasting flowers’. ‘I am not wasting, I am utilizing’ that's my standard reply.
Shadows of tall silver oaks, full moon light, hovering hair, the light wynk music, and in that half-dark, half-shade, I did find mole on her dimple cheeks very inviting. The whole nature.
With several meeting, bit by bit, I was getting ready to be part of her world, giving up mine entirely. My learning started to look insignificant, with her spontaneity, the persona, her clarity,
her thoughts, bold expressions and purity of purposes. Moving me to give up my dreams, my pursuits and my world.
When a women loves truly, it will not be in fragments. Though not very rare to witness.
I could not reserve myself anymore, gently took a flower held it with both of my hands and looked in her dark eyes, covered with dense eyelashes of early twenties, complemented fair skin with natural rosy lips.
Looking at each of her eyes, I said…
’Can I be part of your life? In a way you want, the way you want to me to be in as…..'
My heart was continuing but my intelligence realized she has stopped walking and her talkative spirit has died. I felt breeze turning hot air, moon covered by clouds, I could hear the silence and
rhythm of her breath. Wynk song no more heard. I could not understand what to do. I was not able read her eyes due to the darkness, maybe she was not expecting such words, maybe she was surprised, may be it was like a joke to her, or simply waiting for me to complete what I started so that she could respond to it.
Moment was too perfect to miss. A time to live by heart. I remembered Rumi’s words ‘the moment is all there is, once it is over, it’s over for life time’. I had dreamed years for such a moment, I was not worried, nor hurried. I was turned women at heart in that very split second; who only knows how to give up self.
I stepped back and continued on what I intended '… to gain fulfillment of being just part of your dream, your life and yourself’. Since she didn’t take the flower from my hand, I slowly kneeled down and kept it at her feet.
For a first time in my life, I had given up myself fully and unconditionally. No iota of self left with me. Unusual calmness engulfed. In that darkness suddenly esoteric words like destiny, soulmates, time, encounter, many such things started speaking up itself fully and completely. As if I had become a part of it.
She gently picked the flower at her feet and broke the silence, by repeating the same words, ‘you wasted one more flower’. That did not deter nor mattered to me anymore. I held up my usual reply, it was no more necessary. I observed her hands were shaking.
I learnt what the LOVE is. It’s not a matter of externals, it exists in every heart, though an external provocation is necessary. I learnt to love without expectation, or even the return of it. If it is truly yours it stays. Its about liberation and not possession. It’s the courage to live a story for self.
It is certainly not like sitting on the safe coast of the fence and observe the sea. It’s letting wet in the middle of gigantic wave, be part of it, believe in its ability to take care of my best interest at its heart. It’s no more knowing for me , it’s of being every waking moment of life.
Ever since that evening, my life skyrocketed.
Ending of anything actually mean beginning of a new thing.
Love guides us, makes us better only if we allow it; If it does not transform us, then it’s not LOVE - NC
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