You are afraid of death and you are afraid of life. Afraid of living a life on own terms.
Mostly this has a link to your definition ‘success ‘. The definition, borrowed from the people around, who tried making you one among them, so you too feel a sense of belonging and feel secured.
And fear towards death maybe little justified. If you have not attempted to understand it, that doesn’t make it any lesser or insignificant as compared to life.
Ask people who have trodden the path which you are perusing ardently. They have achieved everything that you are attempting to, and they still feel unfulfilled, dissatisfied, a sense of emptiness in themselves. No more sparkle in eyes, songs on lips and humour in the talk, these small things were discarded as trivial or deviations from the path of good grades, great job, branded clothing, fast cars and a hefty paycheque.
And then replaced by a thought, happiness is a thing to be chased and searched outside of you. You should involve in creating things in the world, which in turn give you happiness. More you create more happiness. You progressed in copying; celebrating each possession, which can only bring momentary happiness. Each time you prepared and strived for different reasons; for the same pattern which gives momentary happiness.
You dreamt that a better half would bring that joy and lasting happiness that has been strived for. Unfortunately the significant other also did felt the same way. Both learnt from the same school and did the same things, how can one expect different results by doing the same things?
As you progressed in your life, you silenced the burden of mind, the inner voice. Till it finally stopped reminding you, of your dreams, your uniqueness and contributions. Sparkle now replaced by stern emotionless face, songs by a heavy corporate voice and humour by a sense of judging everything or everyone through a gauge based on own possessions.
The inevitable friend, death, now started to look like a thing to be avoided. As it snatches away the very things which you dearly hold. Not realizing, all these things are held by your mind and none of the accumulation ever held you anytime. And your entire existence lasted with outer experiences, thus making the difficulty to consider leaving.
Had you taken time to find out who you are, what makes you happier within and what only you can do, life would have been far more meaningful and fulfilling. Such pupil would not be afraid of death, because he or she is living life on own terms. Unfortunately, you never found that time, effort or money to organize the inner world, identify the right priorities for lasting peace and happiness.
For a fulfilling life, one needs to find an inspiring meaning in every pursuit. Off course, is difficult mental work, finding the passion which is unique, tough to dig within. Hence you kept postponing these endeavours as the results were not immediate.
Like a bitter medicine that takes a longer time to show the results. Instead, you chose sugar-coated quinine, for instantaneous happiness. It made people ` around you happy, as it relates to their suggestions and their ideas of about life. They were happy and showed more love that made you feel a sense of belonging.
How long you outsource your happiness on the opinion of others, it has been always something or someone outside of you is making you happy and you felt as responsible for it.
You almost could always feel happier by letting go of those emotions attached to the events but was afraid of attempting it because the inner voice already silenced.
Good news is that it is still possible to turn vibrant by taking baby steps once again, to rekindle the dying spirit, to gain curiosity towards life, by doing such things which ignites happiness from within. Steadily moving out of the comfort zone which was built by living a society life, but now consciously understanding that it cannot give more than what it has already given.
Eyes would regain sparkle, whispering songs and humour turn as second nature, people notice you lit up the room just by mere presence.
Listen, seriously all these words don’t sound alien to you as it first appears, because it’s your inner voice telling its story, easily understandable with little effort, focus, silence and honesty.
Yes, it is all crystal clear to me. I had been there much before you and now know what it takes to get out of it too because I believed in my mentor's abilities.
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